The iPod Zone

Let's face it, I'm a quirky person.

Personally, I enjoy the strange and fantastical world I inhabit, but not everyone appreciates sharing that world with me on a daily basis, and that's fine. I don't particularly need to share everyone else's personal worlds either. And most of the time, the separation between the inner and outer self is easy and apparent. However, iPods have changed all that. When one is encased within what shall hereafter be known as their "iPod Zone," they soon forget that they are in public, and that nobody else can hear what is motivating their resulting moods, expressions, and actions. Although these actions my seem perfectly natural to the individual in the iPod Zone, they are confusing to the casual observer, and therefore appear somewhat strange. For those of us who are rather strange already, however, the manifestation of our Zoneage is even more obvious. I know for me, my first year of iPod ownership has resulted in hours of entertainment, coupled with the proliferation of knowledge of just how weird I am among the campus populace. So before you Zone, be aware of what your iPod says about you.

So what are the hazards of Zoning?

1. SINGING OFF-KEY IN PUBLIC
This is the most obvious side effect, and one which almost all iPod owners are guilty of. Encapsulated in your musical bubble, you've forgotten that the people around you are completely oblivious to the fact that you are experiencing melodic rapture. Soon the drumming swells, and the chorus hits, and you can't hold back. In the middle of the library, you scream, "SINCE U BEEN GONE, I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME!" and suddenly your secret is out: you're a football fratboy who loves Kelly Clarkson. Whoops.

But at least that's better than those people who sort of whisper-sing to themselves because they're ashamed for singing out loud in public but can't resist the urge any longer. Fuck that. If you're going to do it, do it loud and proud.

But maybe you think you are one of those rare people who doesn't give in to the desire to sing along to your favorite mp3s out loud. If you are, you are either in serious denial, or are some kind of inhuman mutant. You're probably one of those people who plays music in the car but makes evil faces when a passenger starts to sing to it. Clearly you don't really like music that much, and wear your iPod solely as a fashion accessory. And I hate you.

"But Jess, I'm a really good singer. It's not embarrassing when I sing out loud acapella, and I CERTAINLY don't sing off-key!" Sorry to rain on your parade, but when you've got your 'Pod jacked up and you're in the Zone, you can't hear yourself. You've got no clue what you sound like. I don't care if you ARE Kelly Clarkson, you won't hit a real note even if it dressed up like Simon Cowell and insulted you. If you're singing in the Zone, know this: it's going to suck.

"Okay, but everybody does that! How does it make weird people like yourself seem even weirder?"

Ah, I was getting to that. Now that you realize that you are singing your guilty pleasures loudly and poorly, you may have guessed that you're also broadcasting your musical tastes to the world. And when you're quirky like me, some of those mp3s we like to sing to are a little more unusual than the QB with the American Idol fetish. I've been known to walk through the dining hall singing, "It’s time to dress up right, its time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!," before.

So I grew up with a crush on Gonzo. Maybe it was the nose.

HAZARD LEVEL: 3

2. DANCING AT INAPPROPRIATE TIMES
A similar hazard in terms of public ridicule, but much rarer, are people who, within the iPod Zone, feel the need to express themselves through the art of dance. For most Zoners, these physical displays consist of the common head bop, hand slap, or foot tap, while others engage in more unique forms of subtle boogying. However, no matter how you get your groove on, remember that when in the ‘Zone, you are rocking out to a rhythm only you, dear friends, can hear, in a place that does not, most likely, have a dance floor.

Think that sounds harmless? Imagine this: you're in for a wait, so you've got your 'Pod cranking out the tunes. It begins with a small head bop as your eyes slide closed. Before you know it, you're locked into the beat, and your booty starts to shake. You begin to loose track of time, place, and bodily movements, and before you know it, you've "backed that ass up" into the old lady behind you at the post office. The resulting explaination can be awkward at best, especially when you're helping poor Granny off the floor.

Then there are people like me, who are trained, talented dancers. When exposed to music, we often feel the need to move more strongly, and, as a result of our bodily abilities, the outcome is much more elaborate. I am rarely satisfied merely to wobble my head or tap my foot to the beat. Instead, I often find myself unconsciously making large, sweeping maneuvers, sending my limbs waving wildly, and often complicating my ability to perform even the simplest task, such as walking down the street. To the casual observer, me in my ‘Pod Zone could easily be mistaken for a gracefully syncopated seizure.

The worst is when a song comes on which I know actual choreography to, as I find it very, very difficult to turn off the automatic response as my motor memory neurons all fire at once and launch me into a full-blown performance - sometimes while driving.

And you thought talking on a cell phone was dangerous.

HAZARD LEVEL: 5

3. THE EMOTIONAL GYM
It’s hard to deny - the Gym is iPod Central. A nice hour or so on a machine feels energizing, but it can also become really REALLY boring, especially if you’re there every day. Before my days as an iPod owner, I found myself counting ceiling tiles as the calories ticked away. I tried reading magazines, but bobbing up and down on the elliptical while trying to read gave me a headache. Usually there aren’t even any good-looking guys to stare at, as 99 percent of the time the gym is full of women. Apparently men think they’re hot enough already. Therefore, most people avoid the slow onslaught of gym-induced insanity by plugging their ears into the iPod Zone as they pedal away.

Oftentimes, this musical backdrop is a boon to the workout process, as the iPod Zone has the potential to propel our emotions away from feelings of lethargy and toward those of productivity. You can see the runners’ eyes light up and their arms start pumping when their favorite song comes up on the shuffle, and the girls on the stairmaster start stepping to the beat. With some pre-workout planning, you can even tweak your playlist to improve your gym experience. Get tired around minute 45 on the treadmill? Program in some high energy tunes to get your feet moving. Doing some rowing around minute 20? Pick some songs with a mid-speed steady rhythm. Need a cool-down stretch? Throw some mellow-out music into the mix. It’s almost as good as having your own personal trainer, for a fraction of the cost!

But weird people like me take this a step further. Rather than just start running faster or pumping my arms more vigorously when my favorite songs come on, I can't rein the emotions in. When happy songs come on, I grin ear to ear and clap to the music. When angry songs come on, I start running in a rage and hitting the handelbars rythmncally. When dance music comes on, I get the irritable urge to dance -- and talk about an inappropriate place! But after 45 minutes of inclined jogging, I have little will left to refuse my physiological reaction.

The result? I’ve actually choreographed hip hop dances on the elliptical. I’m sure it looks stupid as hell, but it makes me happy. I’ve nearly broken my leg several times as a result, but I just can’t help myself.

HAZARD LEVEL: 8

4. LIFE AS A MUSIC VIDEO

Finally, when plunged into the cocoon of stereo sound that is the iPod Zone, we enter a world of audio fantasy. Like a kid with Coke bottle glasses, we see the world through our own lens. Suddenly the day’s dreary chores take on a karaoke psychedelic vibe. The mechanic checks your oil to Sergeant Pepper. The cop on the street is lip synching Snoop. The cashier at McDonald's rings you up to Cheeseburger in Paradise. Who’s day doesn’t benefit from a little MTV magic?

Unfortunately, however, your personal music video machine is not always appreciated by those not in the Zone. In fact, it can be downright life-threatening. Think I'm crazy? How about this: one afternoon, I was stuck at a traffic light in the nastier part of town. Bopping to my tunes I saw a tough-looking guy, dressed in his gang colors and associated bling, strutting down the sidewalk, swinging his hips. It was meant to be an intimidating promenade, and it might have been. . . if he wasn’t walking EXACTLY to the beat of Pretty Woman which was blasting in my ears. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen, and I couldn’t help but break into hysterics. But when he spotted me laughing at him, he was NOT amused. Luckily, I was safely ensconced in my vehicle, and the light decided to turn green at that moment, and so I made my escape.

HAZARD LEVEL: 10

So when Zoning, remember that the people around you sometimes aren’t. So please, as much as we love our iPods, take those earbuds out once in a while, okay?