Feminism vs. Moms
Despite my Clintonian-era liberal ethics in almost all other areas of life, I’m pretty damn conservative when it comes to families. More to the point, I think mothers, if it is economically viable, should stay home with their kids. Being a Mom and having a career are each, on their own, overwhelming responsibilities, and I think it’s too much to ask of anyone to do both and do both well.
However, that’s my personal point of view, one heavily influenced by my own upbringing, and I don’t necessarily condemn anyone who decides to do things differently, so why am I sticking my foot in the wasp’s nest at all?
Well, I came home last night and found my housemate’s Women’s “Marriage is the Devil” Studies newsletter on the coffee table. Apparently, there is a huge concern in this department at Dartmouth, as this month’s issue was addressing the shocking fact that growing numbers of college girls at Ivy League schools planned on dumping their careers once they had kids. The professors writing the newsletter had no explanation for this shift from the career-minded ideals of the 1970s generation of college women, blaming it on the lack of good female mentors in the math, science, and business fields.
Oh, come on! Mentors?! Do you really think women are still so frightened of male math-geeks that they want to run home and hide under an apron surrounded by infants? Are you so stupid that you can’t see the obvious answer for why the prevailing attitude towards motherhood has done a 180 within the last generation?
Because these are the DAUGHTERS of those 1970s WORKING MOMS, dumbasses. These girls grew up latchkey kids, and guess what - they hated it. And now, they don’t want to do that to their own children. There. Give me a fucking grant and call me an expert.
That’s not to say that every kid who grew up with a working Mom has attachment issues and is signing up for a Republican family=Jesus propaganda program. Of course not. But I think it’s probably safe to say that our generation grew up with more working mothers than ever before, and it’s an equally safe bet to say some percentage of the children in those households wished their mother was home more often. Therefore, those kids decided they would stay at home when they became Moms, and now they’re in college scaring the aging bra-burners.
As one of those highly educated college-aged women, I suppose I represent a part of the statistic that has the Women’s Studies department tying its panties in knots. But let’s face it: I don’t want anybody else raising my kids. Yes, I want a career, and hopefully one successful enough to allow me to have a car that starts every day, and a house bigger than one room, and a dog that’s big enough to eat a cat. However, I don’t want to sell my soul to making money. I don’t want to own nothing but business suits and plunge the next 50 years of my life working away at some corporate nightmare - for what? To feel good at the end of the day because I got a raise? A promotion? A pat on the back? What the hell’s the bloody point in that?
To quote one of my favorite plays, “You can’t take it with you.”
I'm not saying I don't want to have my own life, but I also don't want that life to take over and remove me from my family. In my old age I could care less how successful my career was. I want to be able to look back and be proud of my kids and that I was able to watch them grow up to become upstanding individuals - because I was THERE. Is it so evil that women might choose to choose to put their kids first?
posted by Jess @ 9:45 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
HERE HERE!
or should it be HEAR HERE. . . or even stilll HEAR HEAR. . . I have never have tried to write that before.
But I am in one hundred percent agreement with what you are saying. Argh, and I hear the damn motherclock that you think is just a phantom but is really something ticking. Damn the man, damn him!
I wish I was a boy. That would really have the women's studies department going crazy.
I think you should write your own newsletter! You give me confidence!
It's nice to know, as your Mom, that I've raised such a sensible child! That was an especially nice birthday present!
I think you make a lot of good points, but I would just respond with this.
I've heard far too many stories about dads that are at work from 7 AM till 6,7 or 8 PM, while mom stays home. I think it's just as bad to have one parent be completely involved with the kids, while the other is absent for large portions of the day. I've seen it firsthand in my own extended family. I have an aunt who stays at home. My uncle works 16 hours a day. All three of my cousins have experienced a variety of personal problems, many of which I think can be attributed to my uncle's absence.
In my opinion, both parents need to make an equal (or nearly equal) commitment to their kids. If mom can stay at home, that's great, but that doesn't give dad an excuse to be away all the time. My own parents found a solution that worked perfectly. My mother stayed home with us all day while dad was at work. When dad came home, mom left to go teach night school. She had many long days, but she was able to be our mom, while also keeping her professional life intact. I had an equal amount of contact with my parents every day, and I think that was very important.
In talking about the sacrifices mommy might make, we can't forget about the sacrifices daddy should make.
Both parents need to be there to watch their kids grow. When my kids are young and need me most, I intend to make the necessary sacrifices to be there for them, like my parents did for me. Was it easy for my dad to make dinner for four, give three baths, tuck three kids in, and tell three bed time stories every night (all by himself) after working a 10-11 hour day? My guess would be no. Yet he did it anyway. That's why he's a hero in my book.
Even if mom can stay at home, dad needs to do his share of parenting. There are plenty of different ways he can do that. I'm sure your father had his own methods.
When I am finding my career job, I recognize that it'll probably require more than your standard 40 hours per week. That's just the way it is these days. BUT, if the job hurts my ability to be a good dad, then forget it. I won't take it. I'm not going to be the dad who misses all of his son's little league games because he was off on business trips. I'm not going to be the dad who misses his daughter's soccer games, softball games, etc because the boss had me in meetings from 7 am till 9 pm. Not going to happen. I might not be there for every single one, but you'd better believe i'll show up when I can.
So yes, the knee jerk reaction some people have to stay-at-home mothers is dumb. But we can't let the argument for moms staying at home overshadow the importance of dads being a strong presence in their childrens' lives.
Good points Erik - you hit the real heart of this issue: that many parents (Moms and Dads) allow work to unesscessarily consume their lives at the expense of their children, and that is a problem. The expectation that no matter what, men should be driving the economy of the family to the extent that they never get to participate in said family is no more fair than the expectations placed upon women.
I think, as a society, we need to revaluate what we want - how much the workforce should be allowed to dictate everyone's lives to the point that it creates more problems than comforts. And that needs to start with the attitudes of those who influence the latter generations, such as those professors whom I mentioned. The feminist line, which makes women like me feel like we're wasting our lives and our brains if we quit jobs to raise children is exacting as much bigotry as was first created by the status quo telling women they were evil if they DIDN'T stay home. I think we now have been equally educated in both sides, and should now be allowed to make our own educated decisions about which path (or combination of it) we'd like to follow without being condemned.
My mother shouldn't have to feel bad she gave up a career for us. She doesn't regret it, so why should society make her feel like she should?
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