How Good Is Your Quail Shot?

If you haven't been on Mars for the past 48 hours, I'm sure you've guessed that the title is referring to the fact that, our fearless vice-leader, the walking posterboy for angioplasty, Dick Cheney, accidentally shot his buddy full of birdshot while out hunting quail over the weekend. Read that again and try not to laugh. Impossible, isn't it?

I wasn't going to comment on this news item originally, but I've found that I can't keep my mouth shut. Or, more accurately, I can't stamp down the tide of laughter which continues to erupt from my esophagus every time I hear, read, or see anything about Dick Cheney's ill-fated hunting trip. And that's a good thing, because it's all there is to hear about right now. I first saw the story at the library Sunday night while I was taking a break from my tough circulation work (playing MaJong Tiles) to read the MSNBC website, which ran the headline "Cheney shoots a man." Naturally, the idea of our crotchety old VP going all gangsta on us and shooting up the 'hood grabbed my attention. As I read the article, I couldn't help but completely destroy the silent study haven that is the Baker-Berry Library. Cheney mistakes a 78 year old trial lawyer wearing a bright orange vest for a small bird and completely sprays the guy from head to chest from 30 feet away? What a brilliant debacle; you can't make this stuff up.

Granted, somebody got hurt. But he's going to be fine, and he was dumb enough to hang around a practically dead guy with a gun, so he was probably asking for it (which is basically what Cheney's people had to say in his defense). Now the big story is that the White House was trying to keep it hush-hush, and the media is criticizing the administration for not telling anyone. Well no kidding. Like the Bush administration really needs any more bad press, such as a trigger happy VP. The last time the Vice President shot somebody, Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton. I know our government is conservative, but do we really want a Presidential administration which has reverted back to the ways of the 18th century? I can just see Bush crying himself to sleep. It's hard work running a train wreck.

But Hell, we've put up with these assholes for almost 8 years; don't you think we've earned the right to point and laugh as they self-destruct on the national arena? It seems the media thinks so. Everyone spent the entire day Monday running with it. So how have they stacked up? Let's find out.

My first encounter this morning with the Quail story was in The Boston Globe, which ran it on the front page. . . right next an article touting Boston's plan to impose stricter bullet-control laws. Editor's humor? I think so; new local bullet regulations is hardly front page material. So the pairing of headlines isn't overtly funny, but it made me chuckle. And it takes some finagling to fix the front page, considering The New York Times didn't even have the Cheney thing on theirs.

THE BOSTON GLOBE: 5.0 for effort

Next, my need for hilarity was fulfilled in the pages of The Dartmouth, in which the irrepressible Guy and Fellow cartoon had this to say:

Dan Quayle: Hi, Charlton Heston!
Charlton Heston: Hi, Dan Quayle!
DQ: Hey, brah, did you hear Cheney went nuts and shot some dude in his dome-unit?
CH: Yeah dude.
DQ: This probably won't help you dudes over at the NRA much, will it?
CH: It's probably worse for you, bro. He was going after quails, you know.
Then in the next frame, we see Cheney brandishing a couple of AK-47s, shooting at birds that have Quayle's head on them. Check out the original HERE. Good stuff, although it gets old quick.

THE DARTMOUTH: 6.5

Next, I went to my TA class, where my professor, Gary, and I had a huge laugh when he shared the British newspaper headlines with me, which included "Cheney Bags Chum On Hunting Trip" and "Cheney Gets Tough On Trial Lawyers." Oh, I love the Brits and their lack of concern about journalistic integrity in the face of potential humor.

THE BRITS: 7.0

The jokes continued after dance, when I came home to the 11 o'clock news and Bob Lobel accidentally spit out the crack, "Quail is Iraqi spelled backwards" on-air when he thought the cameras weren't rolling. This caused Jack Williams and the rest of the news desk to break up laughing. Okay, so the spelling isn't correct, but it's close. And I've met Bob Lobel - he's a cool guy. Plus, extra points for making unairable cracks on air anyway.

WBZ-4 NEWS TEAM: 5.0

The aforementioned Jack Williams signed off the news by saying, "I don't know about you, but I can't wait for David Letterman tonight." No kidding. I specifically planned to stay up until at least Conan's monologue to catch all the late-night lambasting. Letterman was on first, given the NBC Olympic delay. He opened up with a pretty decent hit: "Good news ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located the weapon of mass destruction, and it's Dick Cheney. We can't get Bin Laden but we nailed a 78 year old attorney."

And the brilliant follow-up:

"Fortunately for the Republican attorney, the bullets were deflected by wads of laundered cash he had stuffed in his pockets."

And Letterman gets bonus points for knocking the White House's handling of the incident:

"They thought they could keep it hush-hush. That's dumber than shooting the guy. It would have been easier if they had just killed him and dug a shallow grave."

Of course, Cheney was also fodder for his TOP TEN. My favorites:

10. "I had a heart palpitation which caused my trigger finger to twitch."
8. "I wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page."
5. "The guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter."
2. "Until the democrats reform health care, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly."

Nice work, and not necessarily the obvious shots.

DAVID LETTERMAN: 8.0

Next came Leno, whom I personally like and usually find funnier than Letterman, although his humor has gotten a bit lame in recent years. He still gets points for being an unabashed Boston boy, but then again Conan O'Brien is from Beantown too, and he's much funnier. And hot. Moving on. Leno's best digs:

"There was so much snow in DC, Cheney shot some fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

Original, and Jay managed to tie in the snowstorm story as well. Also, polar bears are now being put on the endangered species list, so that makes Cheney seem like even more of a dick. Good work.

"I don't know why he tried to keep it quiet. When the country found out he shot a lawyer his popularity shot up to 92 percent."

I laughed, but doing the "people hate lawyers" thing is obvious.

"When the ambulance got there, they put Cheney on the stretcher out of habit."

I like it.

"Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him."

Ouch. Not really funny, and just sort of disturbing. I didn't know how to react to that one.

"Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

Really nice. It's always a safe bet making a jibe at Clinton, but this was not a connection I would have thought of, even with my dirty, dirty mind. You impressed me with this one, Jay.

"When the medics got there, Cheney said, 'Save his heart, grab his heart!'"

Okay, Cheney is old and conspiring and creepy, and has a slight resemblance to Gollum, but for all his sins I don't think organ harvesting is his thing. That was just weird. Overall, Leno had some good hits, and was much more original than Letterman. But I also felt weirded out a few times. Point loss there, buddy.

JAY LENO: 8.5

Then, no Conan! Just back to Olympic coverage. So for now, Leno is ahead of the game with the best digs at Cheney's misfortune. Can SNL beat him? We'll find out this weekend. . .